How to Tell Your Kids About Divorce: Tips for the Big Conversation

No matter how young your children are, they should know about your divorce plans. How you relate with your kids determines how easy it is to break the news to them. So, what are the best practices for starting a significant conversation with your children? Knowing how to tell your kids about divorce can help them understand your reasons. Besides partnering with your spouse to decide what to say, you should consider the following tips. 

Plan What to Say and Where to Say It

You and your spouse should both be present when breaking the news. After that, you can have separate sessions with the kids if needed. Plan what to say, and ensure the messages align with your children’s ages (more on that later).

Though there is never a perfect place to discuss bad news with your children, choose a location that’s quiet and private. Understand that you will need to set out time to have more of these conversations in the future.

If it’s challenging to come to an agreement with your spouse, seek the help of a mediator or divorce attorney before speaking with your children.

Never Play the Blame Game 

Your children don’t need to know the precise reason why you are separating right now. If one spouse caused the divorce (for example, by having an affair) and this is revealed to your children, they will feel compelled to pick sides. At this time, it is better to focus on the mutual decision to end the relationship in order to minimize the stress on your kids.

Some children might feel they’re the cause of their parent’s separation. Now is the time to assure your children they are not the reason for the divorce. Since marriage is a partnership between two adults, assure them that both you and your spouse take full responsibility.

Less Is Better When Talking to Kids

A failing marriage can be frustrating, but knowing how to tell your kids about divorce can help. Focus on your decision to separate and avoid going into details of the divorce. Be brief and straightforward with your message. Speak more on how the divorce is for the benefit of the family. Let them know how the divorce decision can bring peace. Emphasize that this change is challenging but will bring long-term happiness to everyone.

Focus on Reassurance

Assure your children that you have never stopped loving them and that this decision won’t change that fact. Reassure your children that you love them and that this arrangement will allow each parent to focus more on that love now that the problems in the relationship are coming to an end with the divorce. Let them know you’re still a family, even though things might look different. Remind them that nothing they did had any influence on your decision to end the marriage.

How to Tell Your Kids About Divorce by Age Group

While some children are mature enough to handle the news, others are not. How you discuss divorce with one child will differ with another even if they’re close to the same age. You know your children better than anyone, so consider their maturity level along with their age when reading the guidelines below.

Here are a few examples of how to tell your kids about divorce depending on their age brackets:

Kids 0 – 5 years old

A child of this age may not easily understand the concept of divorce. They can’t grasp what they feel or what to expect from your decision. When addressing very young kids, you should be straightforward. Inform them about their custody options and how often they will see the parent leaving home.

Kids 6 – 8 years old

Children aged six to eight have a basic understanding of emotions and divorce. Unlike toddlers, these kids are mindful of what happens in their lives. Be straightforward, and discuss how this arrangement will make the family happier overall, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now. They already relate with other children in school and the neighborhood at this age. They may have friends whose parents have divorced, which can help them understand what to expect.

Kids 9 – 11 years old

Children in this age group are more likely to assign blame to one parent or another. Continue to reassure them that this is a mutual decision that will lead to everyone being more happy, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now. Their relationships with people outside the family, such as friends, coaches, and teachers, will be extremely important, both in terms of a having support network and with regards to how their time will be spent.

Kids 12 – 14 years old

Teens and preteens have a better understanding of divorce, but they also have bigger emotions. They may have emotional outbursts at this age, which may push them into anger and depression. Prepare to respond to tough questions, and don’t react to hurtful remarks. Most importantly, remind them of your love and support even more than ever. Encourage them to spend time with friends and focus on their hobbies.

Kids 15 – 18 years old

Though they are older, they still need the same reassurances as children. They are highly independent and are more likely to lean on friendships for emotional support. However, you should never assume they are mature enough to handle the information without your reassurances and affirmations of love. Spend time with them and be open to communication at their comfort level.

Final Considerations

Conversations with your kids about your divorce don’t end in a day. Though you may feel reluctant to talk about it, figure out ways to break the news without creating a rift. The goal should be to set your childrens’ minds at ease. Although you are likely experiencing intense emotions about the end of your relationship, do not let your own emotions overshadow the needs of your kids. Do your best to be there for them and mend their hearts.

No matter where you are in the divorce process, whether you’ve just started considering separation or you’ve already drawn up the paperwork, a divorce mediation attorney can help. With a focus on amicable divorce, your divorce lawyer can devise a strategy to ensure both parents are satisfied with the division of assets and other aspects of divorce. Reach out today to begin the process of mediation.